i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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