what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
