Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
