he puts the penis in happiness.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
