I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
