Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
