Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
