my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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