You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
