I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
