I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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