You really coming over, don't trick.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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