girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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