it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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