I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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