"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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