id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
