im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
