Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
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