Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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