remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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