We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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