I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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