i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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