you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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