She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
