1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
