There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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