On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
