Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
