Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
