Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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