Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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