Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
