I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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