Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my shit smells like andre
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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