I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
