Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
