last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
