In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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