It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
