i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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