About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't put those talents on a resume
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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