I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
