i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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