he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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