using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
