We won't sleep together?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
