saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
