There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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