dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
