When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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